Feature

At Last
How one couple has managed to find love at long last and, more importantly, are managing to keep it strong.

“Been there, done that” or “we’re older and wiser.” How does a new marriage work for those of us in a later stage of life? Is the model for marriage the same as when we’re in our 20s or 30s? Are we more stubbornly set in our ways or more flexible because we now know what really matters?

One bright autumn day, I had the opportunity to sit and talk with Dr. Johnnetta Betsch Cole and James D. Staton, still newlyweds as they approach their second year of marriage, about finding love later in life—specifically “seasoned love” and their marriage.

Although both individuals are at so-called retirement age, Dr. Cole is stunning and Mr. Staton, known to everyone as JD, is fit and handsome. They are sitting at the dining room table in a home filled with art and mementos. The most endearing is the broom used when they “jumped the broom” in their wedding ceremony in 2006.

“In this part of our journey of life, young love is one thing, but seasoned love is very special,” explains Dr. Cole.

“One of the many advantages of being seasoned people is that you understand your own independence,” she adds. “Because you understand, at least as in our case, that we were capable of living as unmarried people. Marriage for us was such a definitive, conscious choice to be made.”

JD and Dr. Cole, in fact, lead busy, professional lives, challenged by a long distance work-week over 350 miles apart. JD was recently appointed as the chief purchasing officer of the State of North Carolina; and, Dr. Cole is the chair of the institute named after her, the Johnnetta B. Cole Global Diversity & Inclusion Institute. Plus, she is president emerita of two women’s colleges, Spelman College and Bennett College for Women, as well as an author with several books in the works. Dr. Cole spends her hectic work week in Atlanta, while JD lives in Raleigh, North Carolina.

Those early days

“We first met at a fund-raiser and danced the night way,” she answers the question about how they first met. “She was president of Bennett College, and I’d seen her on TV, but hadn’t really met her. I called her up and asked her out on a date,” JD adds, smiling tenderly at his wife. “Our first date was April 30, 2004, at a fraternity scholarship black-tie event. I was nervous because I really didn’t know her.

“That night the band played the Etta James song, At Last.” As if on cue, everyone in the dining room began to faintly sing that famous first line of the song, At Last, with Dr. Cole enthusiastically finishing the line, “My love has come along!”

JD finishes, “I knew that first night I’d met an interesting woman, a classy, well- educated lady and that I wanted to get to know her better.”

Even though Dr. Cole was interested in JD, it took some convincing on his part to talk her into dating due to their busy “There’s an old R&B song that says, ‘If I can’t see you when I want to, I’ll see you when I can’.” That first date sparked the journey that ultimately led to a romantic engagement in Hawaii, culminating with their marriage at the Carter Center in Atlanta.

Jumping the broom

Once the decision was made to be married, the couple faced others that needed convincing. Both Dr. Cole and JD have children from previous marriages. Blending the children from both families took convincing and required time for the transition. As Dr. Cole explains, “It was not easy. JD’s son had his daddy to himself all these years; my three boys were very protective of me because I’d had previously had a traumatic divorce.” JD and Dr. Cole both were confident that their children would come to understand that their happiness rested in this relationship. “What all four sons needed was time and space and neither of us was going to complain. We were going to change our lives,” JD explains.

The breakthrough was evident at their wedding dinner when the sons toasted the newly wed couple. “When my son turned to Johnnetta and said, ‘Dr. Cole, Mom, and now we are a family…’ well, we knew it would be okay. It just needed time. Everyone was bawling!”

Making it all work

Because their typical Monday–Friday schedules involve physical separation and sometimes time differences, the two speak every day, often several times a day. “We have a routine that JD calls to wake me up in the morning,” explains Dr. Cole. “Then I usually reach him before he goes to the gym the end of his day, which can be late at night.” They also are committed to keeping their relationship romantic. Cherished cards exchanged from one another are lovingly stored in keepsake boxes. JD regularly sends flowers. “There’s an expression, ‘Let it be from the heart.’ There’s no need to be pretentious. I just know that she enjoys live flowers, so I’ll have flowers delivered, and I’ll put them on her pillow with a card,” adds JD.

As the two sift through the keepsake boxes full of cards to and from one another, Dr. Cole finds a special note, “Remember this list?” she shows to JD. It is a handwritten note on the back of an envelope. “We made this list of why we love each other while driving up to North Carolina one weekend.” I turn to look up at the two, smiling at each other. Although the list was not fully disclosed, one aspect of this marriage does not have to be written down: deep, mutual respect and endearing admiration.

Dr. Cole muses over the handwritten list and adds, “Looking at this list reminds me of another point I’d like to make about marriage. Hopefully, we’ll be open to new ideas and new ways of doing things, but each of us, by this time, has core values. I remember being totally amazed at how our values were so similar. Mine come not only from the work I do at the JBC Institute, but they’re etched into who I am. It was so wonderful to meet a man who is not homophobic, who has friendships across racial and gender lines, and who sees himself, our community and our nation in a much larger, global context. And I raise this because no matter how romantic someone is, (and JD is really, really romantic) you know in a marriage or in a friendship you talk about things. So, having those core values as a platform, just means that we have very enriched conversations.”

At this point, there is a contemplative moment and JD adds “That’s well said.”

As I start to ask my next question, Dr. Cole breaks the seriousness by asking JD “How can you see out of those dirty glasses,” as she reaches across to wipe the frames with her sweater. There is a definite give and take, a balance to this marriage. When asked if there was one particular thing that each brings to the other that balances out the marriage, JD volunteers, “One thing is the support and trusting that she brings to my life; she’s very supportive, compassionate, and she has a big heart. It’s hard for her to say ‘no.’ And with that she makes life easy. He smiles and continues, “She’s approachable so I can be me—I’m who I am with her, and that means a lot.”

“For me,” offers Dr. Cole, “I do live a public life and JD brings the comfort, the joy and the fun of a relationship that is not sustained by a public platform. That’s what I love the most.”

“She makes me laugh. She’s really funny and giggles,” JD counters.“She’ll say ‘Oh, you tickle my heart.’ I’d certainly say she brings a challenge to me—to enjoy the ride, and not to lose your focus, your purpose. She accomplishes just about anything she sets out to do. In other words, I can’t come here and whine, ‘I don’t feel like doing it’.”

The message of this marriage is to “enjoy the ride,” as JD advises. “When I think of marriage, I have the image of a bicycle in my head,” interjects Dr. Cole. “Probably a good 80 percent of the folk have learned to do at some point. I did learn to ride a bike, and there was a certain satisfaction in coasting.” She looks at us: “But that doesn’t get you very far. You really gotta pump. You can’t get up a hill coasting, and that’s why we enjoy the ride down so much.”

We all nod in agreement with the bicycle image. JD adds, “And, you can’t get up the hill with unnecessary baggage—it’s hard enough getting up the hill without it.” He continues, “You have to deal with your own personal baggage. Deal with it. You can’t bring that to the marriage. It wouldn’t have been fair to unload my baggage on anyone. So many of us fail to realize that we cast our fears on others.”

Dr. Cole and JD both advise couples to celebrate their marriages. As Dr. Cole proclaims, “Celebrations are not to be delayed. We don’t have unlimited years ahead of us, so we do not delay celebrating this marriage!”